stigma

i sat across from them.

i think their name is something familiar.

couldn't seem to bring it to the tip of my tongue.

the matching door and desk placard read Dr. so-and-so.

no white coat, though.

 

theres this imbalance i have.

they told me it's in my brain.

and by imbalance they "don't mean one lobe is bigger than the other" *faded giggle*

it's funny.

so funny.

this imbalance has made me so strong.

has taught me ways to cope with it and ways to show strength when i have none.

yet

they told me delicately.

as if i was fragile.

and it made me feel 

crazy

or something.

taking flight

buckle up.
sometimes it's hard to discern the difference between sadness and anxiety. 
because for me, they've almost always come hand in hand.

i sit feeling heavy, not shaky this time.
just heavy.
tear-stained cheeks.
i want the blinds closed.
and my blankets over my face.
sadness is steering.

then i find myself worrying about my life.
unsure.
my grandma.
her health.
she's ok, right?
what am i studying for?
where will i be?
5 years?
10 years?
this weekend?
i miss home.
i think of memories intangible.
ones i can no longer find the comfort of living in.
if only for a second.

moments like these i realize my anxiety is a co-pilot tonight.

all of the emotions in my body are seated in rows and the two most powerful are unfortunately in the cock pit.

'buckle up' i tell myself.

the only thing i know to do is prepare for crash landing.