My mind is in a constant state of
Frozen paralysis.
I'm stuck in time.
Behind the "I don't know"s
Between the "what if"s
Inside the "what could have been"s
And right below the worries of what will be.
Sometimes these past or present fixations
Leave my body feeling
Empty.
As if I'm watching myself from afar.
Watching my body tremble,
My heart beat faster and faster,
The tears fall.
My head emptying.
Lightheaded, thoughts everywhere.
Catch them before they leave.
Too many to hold.
With each thought,
Another body part shakes,
Crumbles like ancient pyramids or glaciers in the sun.
I just want it to stop
Do I?
I just want to stop feeling this way
Can I?
I just want to bask in a single second of solitude
Is it possible?
Wanting to rewind
Just to fast forward.
So I can show my old worrying self
That I will be
OK.
Okay
/ˌōˈkā/ - satisfactory but not exceptionally or especially good.
I find it difficult to stay where I want to.
In a moment of sadness I wish to escape
Time moves as if time has no where to be.
In the odd moment in which I am relieved or happy, feeling loved, loving
One where I wish to stay forever
Time sabotages my mind and speeds up.
Before I know it
It's over.
And the next emotion arrives.
When happiness is here I embrace it.
I rise higher and higher.
And when happiness leaves
When the high is over
When I begin to fall
That's when sadness comes knocking on my door.
I've been through it enough to know I'll be ok.
But sadness has my hands behind my back,
My ankles in shackles,
My mind unaware of surroundings,
Sadness steals my thoughts,
Robs me of emotions other than itself,
And leaves me trapped.
Although I've escaped before
I feel there's no way out.
As soon as sadness loosens its grip
Decides it doesn't need to control me,
If only for a moment,
I return.
Beginning to feel my limbs again,
Thinking more clearly,
Regaining feeling in my body.
It's not happiness, though.
The opposite of my sadness is apathy;
Indifference, unconcern,
Frigid coldness.
Toxic and constant.
In my apathetic normalness
All I crave is sensitivity, sympathy,
& warmth.
